Saturday, December 24, 2005

Jihadists in Florida - get your tickets now

In Fort Lauderdale, March 16-17th will be a large meeting of jihadists from many of America's most extreme religious organization. Reclaiming America for Christ 2006 welcomes all jihadists "whether you are a new to the war for America's soul, or a battle tested veteran". The two day event organized by the ominously named Center for Reclaiming America is an attempt to gather all jihadists in one room and plot their strategy for the next year.

While there will be speakers who will apparently finally explain how homosexuality has any affect on heterosexual marriage, the real interest is in networking. The only reason this tiny minority of extremists has been so effective at hijacking American politics from time to time is there ability to mobilize their "warriors for God" into a single lock-step unquestioning column of hate. It is through these large gatherings that they can get the entire jihadist community to believe that they are part of a vast army of righteousness, much like the training compounds in Afghanistan or the crowded meeting halls of the Nazis.

The best way for you to help combat those that want to "reclaim America" is to go to their public meetings. Don't protest or do anything to get yourself kicked out, but do make them question the sanity of their fellow jihadists. Adopt the bright eyed (preferably blue) virginal look and the peculiar vernacular of the clan and insinuate yourself. Then go to town.

Here are some things you can do:
-Make suggestions like "I see no problem with killing homosexuals, particularly black homosexuals."
-Hit on underage girls (or boys).
-Hit on geriatric girls (or boys).
-Keep insisting the world is flat, since the Bible clearly makes that point. Call anyone who disagrees a "Liberal secularist believing Satan's lies".
-Rebuke everyone for everything.
-Anytime you go to bathroom, scream "be gone Satan". If anyone asks, tell them feces and urine are the product of Satan and if you a truly righteous you only crap rainbows.
-Hit on all the men (regardless of your gender).
-Talk about your plans to start a Christian porn studio.
-Go around and hand out new "schedules" that ensure no-one will be in the same room at the same time.
-Sing spirituals as you walk around, but always insert the word "motherfucker" or "bitch" where Jesus should be.
-When at the meeting halls for the big emotional manipulation, curse like a sailor. (i.e. "This motherfucker knows God!", "Son of a bitch I feel the fucking Lord in my fucking soul", or scream "Goddammit" instead of "Hallelujah").
-If you go with a friend, never forget the power of overheard conversations. Talk loudly about your plans for violent jihad against the heathens in New York City. Make them face who they really are.

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