Thursday, September 28, 2006

Value voters unleashed

Last weekend's Value Voters Summit was interesting. Could have been better, but we made do with the hatemongers we had.

We did learn 2 important lessons:
1. DO NOT pay crack whores in advance of taking them to a religious right conference as your dates
2. Crack whores do not get up before 8 on Saturdays

The original plan was to take these two lovely 75 pound women in spandex to the Value Voters Summit as our dates. We would excitedly ask our fellows in Christ to take our pictures for our scrap book. Sadly, our prostitutes failed to show up. Perhaps they felt there would be too much competition from the preachers or perhaps they had had enough of Falwell for the day. Nevertheless, we were thwarted.

To make matters worse, the hotel bar didn't open until 4:00. A real crime.

So, instead we went with plan B (not the pill). We printed up pamphlets quoting the bible and many people present in the room to show that those who are true to fundamentalist Christianity do not blow off the old testament. Only those infected by the PC liberal secularist would pick and choose which parts of scripture to follow. We told them that to redeem ourselves in the eyes of the Lord, we had to obey all of his dictates. The dictate they were overlooking? God made the races separate and he wanted to keep them separate.

We talked to about 50 people. Only 2 got really pissed (1 was black and it looked as if it took all of his Jesusness not to kick me square in the nuts). Most people politely refuted us, but understood the good we were trying to do. 8 people complete agreed. They didn't agree a little bit, they agreed a lot. Including one vague reference to people not recognizing the true cause of 9-11. That's right, kids, all those people died because of Sidney Portier in "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner".

Perhaps, our finest hour was in the bathroom (if only it was the first time I've used that sentence). Older preacher man was using the middle urinal. My buddy at his left, me at his right. My buddy looks down and to the right and says "Nice!". He motions to me (across this fellows chest) and says "Dude, check it out." I look down and to my left, "Nice", I exclaimed. Preacher man peed on his leg zipping up his pants and didn't even wash his hands.

Childish? Yes.
necessary? No.
Did we accomplish anything other than a short course in hiring crack whores? No, but that is valuable knowledge.

There is no reasoning with these folks, so you may as well fuck with them.

As for the speeches, what we heard was fairly mild. Mainly, "Christians founded this country for Christians and everyone else just needs to shut up."

What I always find so disturbing at these things are the kids. Their eyes glazed over like clone children in a sci-fi movie. Spouting their parents' hatred, without even understanding what they are saying. Of the 8 people who agreed with us about separating the races, 4 were with young children. They are (of course) home schooled. One mother was proud to teach her daughter about their strong European heritage and the fact that America was an offshoot of Europe only. I answered "Amen". She replied with this direct quote: "Now if only we could get the mongrels back to where they belong."

You gonna logically argue with that? Do what I did. Stare at her breasts until she gets uncomfortable and goes away.

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